THP 2009 (L to R): Jared Moon, Josh "The Jesus" Shapiro,
Team X.O. Adam "The Dude" Weinstein, Greg Gasiewski,
Jon Kazmierczyk, Kenny Ames, Adam Kostecki, and
Nick Theisen.
Photo: Margo Law
Washington, DC - On Thursday evening our hodge-podge collection of brave heroes formed on the field of battle to give challenge to the nefarious foe, the dread softball team known as "The-Spin-Offs." With The Washington Monument looming in the background, our fearsome warriors took up their mitts and bats with the grim determination of The Reaper himself.
In the first inning, THP drove in two runs and held The Foe scoreless. But in the second inning the game suddenly became far more dramatic. Just as The Opponent's pitcher was about to fire the first pitch of the inning, his phone rang.
As Washington sports fans will attest, the dreadnought might of The Spin-Off's is evident per se from its legion of fans. And so on the sidelines of the battlefield, one of those faithful fans was holding the pitcher's new-fangled cell phone, trying desperately to figure out how to answer the incoming call.
Suddenly she began beckoning wildly to the pitcher (who also happened to be The Foe's captain). "Oh my God!" exclaimed the fan in terror. "I just hung up on the boss!" Her wild beckoning took on a frantic air. "Come call him back quick so he doesn't fire us all! Or worse!!!"
Incidentally, long time followers of The Spin-Offs know that the entire team works for "Rufus 'The Club' Barnaby" and The Agency. On this night, "Rufus" had decreed that he would deign to come down from the peak of "Mount Olympus" (the 10th and top-most floor at The Agency) in order to join The Spin-Offs in giving battle to our magnificent band of adventurers, THP.
At any rate, The Spin-Offs captain ran over to the frantic fan, top-speed! He grabbed the phone and, dropping to his knees in a position of prostration, immediately called His Holiness "Rufus 'The Club,'" in order to beg for forgiveness. Alas, during his sniveling apology, the X.O. of Team Hodge Podge - ADAM "THE DUDE" WEINSTEIN" - yelled to the pitcher "Let's play ball already!"
"The Club," heard this cry and assumed that it sprang from the lips of an insolent Spin-Off. Infuriated, he instructed The Foe's unfortunate captain to instantly commit "seppuku" (the Japanese practice of ritualized suicide in which a disgraced warrior disembowels himself with his own sword).
The captain tearfully obeyed.
"Apology accepted," The Club said stoically. And he hung up the phone.
With Rufus placated (and the late Captain's guts slowly spilling onto the field), the sun was setting fast and so The Spin-Offs hastily appointed a new pitcher/captain.
Incidentally, after The Club instructed the late captain to commit seppuku, he added the caveat that the captain should first tell his team that theirs would be a similar fate if they failed to beat THP!
On that happy note, the battle was rejoined.
The Spin-Offs quickly rallied - now literally playing as if their lives depended on it. And by the end of the fourth inning, the score was tied 5-5.
Alas though. For the luckless Spin-Offs the sun set on this day far too soon, and the game was called on account of darkness.
With a look of dread in their eyes, The Spin-Offs silently shook hands with the warriors of THP, and began walking to their respective gear bags to retrieve their seppuku swords.
However, fortunately for The Foe, our brave warriors are as generous off the field of battle as they are vicious while on it. And so the captain of Team Hodge Podge magnanimously offered to concede defeat to the Spin-Offs, so that the latter wouldn't have to shed their lives for their terrible king, The Club
Yet unbelievably, the captain of The Spin-Offs stoically but politely declined to accept THP's concession. Apparently charity is not part of the warrior code of The Spin-Offs.
However, The Foe's captain did thank the THP captain for his generosity, and also praised him for his intelligence, charm, good looks, and - above all - his modesty.
Nonetheless, The Softball Gods must have wanted to see a re-match of these two juggernauts of martial fury. For just as the (new) Spin-Offs captain was about to do himself in, The Club's chief-of-staff's assistant's coffee boy's intern deigned to call The Captain and inform him that The Great & Mighty Club had had a change of heart, and that if at least half the team had yet to commit seppuku, they could all consider themselves forgiven and go to local tavern for libations. So long as they sacrificed a cow in honor of His Worship
And so the game was called a draw, and both teams retired to Bull-Feathers bar-and-grill on Capitol Hill for a post-game happy hour. Unfortunately, the tavern keeper was quite unreasonable, and refused to allow the Foe to sacrifice a cow. So instead all of The Spin-Offs ordered hamburgers.
Well Done THP!
Mike
Captain of Team Hodge Podge ("THP")
Captain of The Spin-Offs (the arch-enemies of THP!)
;)
